I'm still here... yes i am.
It's been a while and i was afraid this blog would die a natural death. I almost forgot my password and had to type in all my rotating ones till i got in.
Well, a lot has happened since. As in a lot, i could barely move my hands to even share it here, but my mind is exploding with thoughts and musings. Some of them are good but most are bad... yes, bad. Bad but not exactly wallowing in misery kind of bad. But it's still bad, pota.
Last year, December of 2014, M was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia... it all sounds quite normal for the first two medical terms until you are slapped with the last one. ALL is a blood cancer often found in young children and M got it out of nowhere. Not one of us had a family history of this kind of sickness and that is the BADness of it. Come to think of it, a lot of good things happened but the bad one was a ka-boom in all it's force.
I was a bit shocked, rattled even, but after that, i felt a wisp of zen with all my imagined bamboo trees bending all over to a side. No, i was not hysterical even if i wanted to. Funny and ironic to experience this since i write a soap script--- i get to be personally served of the familiar soap scene where the doctor breaks this devastating news and in comes the commercial gap after the mother weeps a bucket. So ganito pala ang feeling nung mga nanay na sinusulat ko sa teleserye. Pambihira. I never imagined it would really happen in my real waking life... ito talaga ang una kong naisip kaya parang natatawa tawa pa 'ko bago ako maging zen. I memorized the lines of M's hema doctor so i can use it for my future script. Accidental authenticity at my own expense. Nyeta.
Pero syempre, tao lang ako-- nasasaktan, nabibigla, nawiwindang pero hindi pinapakita. I felt a pang in my heart, like a claw suddenly cut me out from inside. For a while, I thought, i was bleeding but that's a metaphor. At kahit metaphor lang yun, it was still a valid pain. Yung iba natutulala at umiiyak, nanginginig ang pisngi... well ako, nag-wa-walling sa loob. I was all Nora Aunor, internal acting teh.
So right after being dressed down by all things leukemia--- ayun, buhay pa naman ako. Malamig pa rin ang aircon sa kwarto ng doktor, bumabagsak pa rin ang strap ng bra ko. I was there safe and calm while my little M is just there shouting at her brother like a boss that she is. That's the scene. All the writer's drama is inside of me.
It was Christmas time when we had that news and the merriment had to take a side seat because i did not want it to be at the back. Yeah, we decide who takes the back seat and I'm not gonna let Christmas be shoved off by the bully that is cancer. And so on that day that we have already have a working diagnosis of ALL, I took my time to lead the decorations in our Christmas party venue! I bought trimmings of gold and manually made golden banderitas, i even had the gall to wear a faulty glam rock attire and play fiercely with the dirty Christmas games.
Nagawa ko pa talagang mag-paandar at mag-abala? My mudra was texting me all night to leave the party right away--- knowing her, i think she thought it wasn't nice to be out partying while the cancer cells are also having a time of their life in my daughter's body. Well, honestly, totoo naman, may point si mudra. Pero ano ang magagawa ko sa mga hinayupak na cancer cells na namahay sa bone marrow ni M? Wallowing is not my cup of tea. Besides, excited ako mag-decorate at magpaka-crafty kesa malugmok. Sino ba ang gusto malugmok? And I'm giving these cancer cells a slim chance to be happy and gate crash my daughter's health because after this, they'll be in no way welcome there anymore. Hell no.
January. No resolutions here as always but i think there will be many that will be imposed and naturally embraced. I fingered my way thru Instagram and Facebook to see all my friends new and hopeful stuff on the first day of 2015. And one status struck me that had her ranting that she was still busy doing labada on a new year. She's ok with it since the first things that you do for the year will be the ones that you will do the whole year--- which means more work for her and more money.
That day of January 1 was also the first day of M's chemotherapy. It will be a year of drugs injected to her, no doubt. But R and i were there, holding M's hands and laughing over some silly thing and dreaming of more exotic places to go to once the cancer has gone off. So more than the chemo, i think we'll have a whole year of each other laughing and dreaming of vacations and holding M too. Now, that is what I'm looking forward to. And praying that these cancer cells will be kicked out within a year. Hopefully, the year treats you right as it had been with us and M.
Well, a lot has happened since. As in a lot, i could barely move my hands to even share it here, but my mind is exploding with thoughts and musings. Some of them are good but most are bad... yes, bad. Bad but not exactly wallowing in misery kind of bad. But it's still bad, pota.
Last year, December of 2014, M was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia... it all sounds quite normal for the first two medical terms until you are slapped with the last one. ALL is a blood cancer often found in young children and M got it out of nowhere. Not one of us had a family history of this kind of sickness and that is the BADness of it. Come to think of it, a lot of good things happened but the bad one was a ka-boom in all it's force.
I was a bit shocked, rattled even, but after that, i felt a wisp of zen with all my imagined bamboo trees bending all over to a side. No, i was not hysterical even if i wanted to. Funny and ironic to experience this since i write a soap script--- i get to be personally served of the familiar soap scene where the doctor breaks this devastating news and in comes the commercial gap after the mother weeps a bucket. So ganito pala ang feeling nung mga nanay na sinusulat ko sa teleserye. Pambihira. I never imagined it would really happen in my real waking life... ito talaga ang una kong naisip kaya parang natatawa tawa pa 'ko bago ako maging zen. I memorized the lines of M's hema doctor so i can use it for my future script. Accidental authenticity at my own expense. Nyeta.
Pero syempre, tao lang ako-- nasasaktan, nabibigla, nawiwindang pero hindi pinapakita. I felt a pang in my heart, like a claw suddenly cut me out from inside. For a while, I thought, i was bleeding but that's a metaphor. At kahit metaphor lang yun, it was still a valid pain. Yung iba natutulala at umiiyak, nanginginig ang pisngi... well ako, nag-wa-walling sa loob. I was all Nora Aunor, internal acting teh.
So right after being dressed down by all things leukemia--- ayun, buhay pa naman ako. Malamig pa rin ang aircon sa kwarto ng doktor, bumabagsak pa rin ang strap ng bra ko. I was there safe and calm while my little M is just there shouting at her brother like a boss that she is. That's the scene. All the writer's drama is inside of me.
It was Christmas time when we had that news and the merriment had to take a side seat because i did not want it to be at the back. Yeah, we decide who takes the back seat and I'm not gonna let Christmas be shoved off by the bully that is cancer. And so on that day that we have already have a working diagnosis of ALL, I took my time to lead the decorations in our Christmas party venue! I bought trimmings of gold and manually made golden banderitas, i even had the gall to wear a faulty glam rock attire and play fiercely with the dirty Christmas games.
Nagawa ko pa talagang mag-paandar at mag-abala? My mudra was texting me all night to leave the party right away--- knowing her, i think she thought it wasn't nice to be out partying while the cancer cells are also having a time of their life in my daughter's body. Well, honestly, totoo naman, may point si mudra. Pero ano ang magagawa ko sa mga hinayupak na cancer cells na namahay sa bone marrow ni M? Wallowing is not my cup of tea. Besides, excited ako mag-decorate at magpaka-crafty kesa malugmok. Sino ba ang gusto malugmok? And I'm giving these cancer cells a slim chance to be happy and gate crash my daughter's health because after this, they'll be in no way welcome there anymore. Hell no.
January. No resolutions here as always but i think there will be many that will be imposed and naturally embraced. I fingered my way thru Instagram and Facebook to see all my friends new and hopeful stuff on the first day of 2015. And one status struck me that had her ranting that she was still busy doing labada on a new year. She's ok with it since the first things that you do for the year will be the ones that you will do the whole year--- which means more work for her and more money.
That day of January 1 was also the first day of M's chemotherapy. It will be a year of drugs injected to her, no doubt. But R and i were there, holding M's hands and laughing over some silly thing and dreaming of more exotic places to go to once the cancer has gone off. So more than the chemo, i think we'll have a whole year of each other laughing and dreaming of vacations and holding M too. Now, that is what I'm looking forward to. And praying that these cancer cells will be kicked out within a year. Hopefully, the year treats you right as it had been with us and M.
Hugs, geng. Its going to be a battle but i believe in the end you will have that last laugh over that big C.
ReplyDeleteThanks Marge :-) Hope all is well with you too.
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