Friday, July 29, 2016

Ang Kubeta bilang Shrink.



Pag may pinagdadaanan ka, lalo na sa tiyan, ayan ang kubeta. Ilabas mo lahat hanggang sa manghina ka.Pero iba yung nailabas ko kaninang umaga sa kubeta. Hindi tae. Kundi tae na feelings. Yung masakit at unti-unti kang inuubos na para kang na-dehydrate emotionally, yung  nakaka-belittle ng pagkatao mo. Kahit ayaw mong maramdaman pero naka-sakmal siya sa leeg mo at hindi pwedeng hindi mo siya iwasan.

I got myself a broken heart (I thought broken hearts are for lovers pero may ibang level pa pala) and a broken spirit this morning at ang tanging karamay ko ay ang kubeta. Doon ako naglabas. Doon ako kumapit para hindi ko mai-flush ang sarili ko… pati hopes and dreams. Chos. Iba pala pag pinagsama ang dalawa, the broken heart and spirit--- para silang evil stepsisters at ako si Cinderella and there's no glass slippers coming. Ain't that a smack of reality?

Sana nga nagtae na lang ako, yung totoong jebs kasi madali namang mareplenish yun. Ang hirap pag na-drain ka emotionally, parang walang natira sa ‘yo kundi… ikaw lang.  Ayaw mo na mag-inarte pero andiyan eh dahil tao ka lang… nasa dark side of the force ka at higit sa lahat nasa kubeta pa. Moist ang paligid at may hollow sound, may drip pa ng tubig. Kaya mas dama, mas nanunuot at mas naririnig mo ang sarili mong nababasag at hindi mo alam kung paano mo pupulutin ang sarili mo.

Grabe. Naisip ko lang ito a few months ago pero binigay ni God sa ‘kin in the most excruciatingly dramatic and metaphorical way. God is a real poet. I know He has His reason and I love Him for being this dramatic. He knows me too well and I think He heard me back then and surprised me with this. Medyo pa vague ako pero malalagpasan ko din ito... It's a me against myself kind of battle and as much as i want to deny it... I am also weak. Oh and it's my mother's birthday today. Makes me want to crawl back to her amniotic sac and chill there for a day.




Sunday, July 24, 2016

Robota

Linggo. Alas tres ng hapon. Medyo masakit ang likod ko pero wala akong protruding puson. Iyon na ata ang pinaka compensation ko, the fact na hindi ako mukhang kapapanganak lang. Pero iba ang usapan pagdating sa fez.

Siguro dahil hindi ako nakakain, dahil nakakalimutan ko kumain, dahil busy ako, dahil cuticles na lang ang nginangasab ko. Ay teka, dahil nagsusulat pala ako at sunod sunod na tibag ang inabot ng script namin. Part of the job.  Nakakapayat.

Tibag. Tibag meaning blagadag, wasak, overhaul ng script na minsan lagpas 100 pages. Yung puso, kaluluwa at namamanhid na pwet na inilaan mo para gawin iyon ay ji-nackhammer lang naman. Gulagulanit ka pagkatapos dahil i-eenumerate lahat ng maling nagawa mo sa harap ng kasamahan mo. Pero sabi nga, part of the job. Hindi ako magrereklamo dahil hindi naman ako si Shonda Rhimes o si Jun Lana na mabangis gumawa ng script.

Sakto lang matibag kung may oras kaso kung nag-aabang ang production sa script at umeere na kayo, mas masakit sa puso metaphorically speaking. Lalo pa at ikaw ang headwriter. Pero heto... sumasakit ang puso at dibdib ko, literally. Naninikip na di ko maintindihan. Siguro dahil apat na araw na ata ako natutulog ng 5am at gigising ng 12noon. Ang agahan ko, hindi na itlog and whatever, sinigang na may sabaw na. Tapos dahil medyo kulang ka pa sa tulog, 3pm ka na talaga aalagwa sa pagsusulat.  Kaso magugutom ka na naman. Pagtingin mo walang makain dahil hindi ka pa pala nakakapag-grocery. Buti na lang nawala ang puson ko. Iyon na lang. Iuutot ko na lang ito at matatapos din siya.  


Monday, June 6, 2016

Happy place

Nakapunta ka na ba sa isang unlikely place kung saan nakakaramdam ka ng mga mini- fist pumps sa puso at nakakapag-buka ng utak mo? Galing lang ako dun kanina sa isa sa mga happy place ko at iyon ay walang iba kundi ang Carolina's sa Megamall. Oo yung bentahan ng mga tela, sequins at anik-anik pang mga pang-sastre. But wait, hindi ako sastre as in literal na sastre complete with patahian (but I'm a "story sastre" on the boob tube if i want to sound pa-cool) pero tuwing dumadayo ako ng Megamall, hindi pwedeng hindi ko iyon puntahan. Third level Mega B side.

Madalas ini-iskip ko na ang Forever 21 dahil punyemas may shortage sa tela ang ganap eh (kundi see thru mid riff,  kundi mid riff laslas sa bawat manggas at bitin kung bitin ang lahat ng damit anu ba!) pero yung Carolina's talaga, hindi ko siya mapapalagpas. Kung may kakulangan ng tela sa Forever 21, sagana't umaapaw ang tela sa Carolina's. Lahat naroon, mula satin to duchess satin, silk at geena silk, lace to chemical lace (kanina ko lang na-discover na may chemical lace na tinatawag, may formula ba yun?) pati mga beads, faux pearls, head dress, butones of all kinds and sizes, pati hawaiian flowers, ribbons, native indian feathers, cat tails and chains.  Kung nagsuka ang pelikulang Moulin Rouge at Marie Antoinette, ayun nasa Carolina's ang kalahati.


the ribbons section

But wait again, hindi ako bumibili,  dumadaan lang ako, pinagmamasdan bawat tela at pattern ng lace, pati mga beads at sequins. Na-eexcite ako sa endless possibilities ng mga pwedeng magawa. Nakaka-tuwa, nakaka-gigil at times, nakaka-mangha but most of all nakaka-inspire.

It must be the Martha Stewart in me or maybe the costume mistress in me no? Or could be the hidden sastre waiting to happen in me? Parang sa bookstore, I could spend more than an hour in Carolina's just looking, checking the textiles, pretending to buy or probably buying some lace that i liked so much but don't know where to use. I like it that there's some fire and yearning to create or make something out of them.

Ugh. Ito na naman tayo. Salita. I'm rolling my eyes to myself now.
Pero at least nailalabas ko na siya, nararamdam ko and soon, words will fade to make way for some action. Ganernan ang labanan. 

Monday, May 16, 2016

Eating summer and others

I heard from my son that her sister ate summer that's why she feels hot and warm all over.  I had to stop myself from what I was doing when i heard it; I found it very amusing, very Gabriel Garcia Marquez for someone to rationalize a lagnat or a fever because she ate a hot and humid season here in the Philippines. I smiled and tried not to correct him because i find it really magical for my kid to think that way. 

This is also the same kid who drinks shots of ampalaya juice but refuses to eat red bell peppers even after I explained to him that it's not the spicy chili kind.  The reason? He feels that he will grow dragons inside his belly and breathe fire when he eats them. Could be a lame excuse but a wild one.

I love imagination in the most Gabo or Tim Burton way. I hope he doesn't let go of it. I hope he keeps it burning and return to it if the dragons get doused someday with logical reasons grown ups are used to.


Friday, May 13, 2016

34





I turned a year older last month. 34. An even number but it feels odd in this crisis-riddled life of a thirty something. The age seems non existent and not as groundbreaking when you're turning over 30 years old. I guess it depends on who, what, where and the whys. So let me answer it.

The Who. I'm still me with the bad skin and stretch marks. Recently, I discovered new stretchmarks after I went thru bikini sugaring because I had to kill some time, it turned out I got myself killed as I lay splat and half-naked down there. Oh God, ang sakit pala niya. And may stretchmarks ako somewhere there that i never saw before because i don't really get to stare at my pechay on a daily basis.  I don't know how to feel about it but it's easy to pass it off and focus on other things like my dry cuticles that I chew on when stress and anxiety hits me.


The What. What happened? What's happening? What's about to happen? These questions are quite difficult for me to answer because I have been stagnant and i admit, uninspired. I long for days when i don't want to do anything but play plants versus zombies. Come to think of it, I've become a plant and a zombie at some point...tsss.  Some things and relationships are keeping me at a standstill but I blame myself for being dragged onto that energy. It should not be that way.

The Where. I am in a comfortable place and it's not bad. But it's too comfortable that it has kept me in a freezer where my passions are almost frigid. I think I trapped myself here and threw away the key because it's logical...because it is what it is and it is easy. Sigh.
Sometimes, i daydream of Dumaguete and Siargao, making drinks and halo halo for some people i don't know. As i think of the where-ness of everything, i thought of Cheryl Strayed's line in the film Wild-- I'm a free spirit who never had the balls to be free. But someday I will grow myself some balls. Though i hate somedays but some day it is.

The Why. Because of the two best persons that God gave me, my children. Yes, they're good enough excuses for the shits but slowly it will come around. It will be better and hopefully, they will understand everything.