Something
I feel that my breasts are heavier and it's not because of milk. There's this feeling hovering around me that i am in denial of because i do not want to entertain it. It's something i avoid, something i dread like another zit below my chin. I wouldn't allow it to trespass but then it had been here slowly creeping in. They say we are the ones who permit ourselves to feel a certain way... if we demand to be happy amidst sadness then we will be happy. But for now i refuse to demand and dictate... i want to rain on my parade.
Another string of uncertainty and insecurity is looming. Typhoon Pedring reinforced it because i have no other thing to distract me of it since there isn't electricity for the whole day--which didn't allow me to read. The kids who are used to being rowdy and noisy were overcome with silence because of the dark. And silence and doing nothing kept me company with this pity feeling. It seemed apt to unearth this shallow concern---self-doubt.
Questioning myself leaves me catching my breath. It's like doing a fucking yoga pose and then getting stuck with it. Like the muscles just want you to be in that position permanently and you don't get it at all. It stalls. It hinders my mind and turn me into another "as is, where is" acting of sorts. A Jaclyn Jose moment. Plunges me into a song--Do you know, where you're going to? Do you like the things that life is showing you... tralala..
The thing is, i guess, i rely too much on important people for my self-worth. Which i know shouldn't be that way-- for what if they don't care at all? Then i just jump off a building? Cut short the many possibilities i could have been just because important people don't give an ass? Yeah maybe sometimes but that is the dramatic masochist in me. And right now, i'm being like that. I am emo right now minus the kohl eye liner and those bands. What a pussy. I'm hitting my 30's and my issues are so ten years ago. I wallow in self doubt while others right now wallow in muck, grime and rat's piss. Who cares about my doubt, we want shelter and dry land!! Now that's the other side of me--- social keme and Fraulein Maria side.
I think i just contradicted myself. I guess, I am my own shrink.
I just wish this heavy feeling was because of milk. I miss breastfeeding.
Other than that then it's emo mudrah on a whipping typhoon night.
Another string of uncertainty and insecurity is looming. Typhoon Pedring reinforced it because i have no other thing to distract me of it since there isn't electricity for the whole day--which didn't allow me to read. The kids who are used to being rowdy and noisy were overcome with silence because of the dark. And silence and doing nothing kept me company with this pity feeling. It seemed apt to unearth this shallow concern---self-doubt.
Questioning myself leaves me catching my breath. It's like doing a fucking yoga pose and then getting stuck with it. Like the muscles just want you to be in that position permanently and you don't get it at all. It stalls. It hinders my mind and turn me into another "as is, where is" acting of sorts. A Jaclyn Jose moment. Plunges me into a song--Do you know, where you're going to? Do you like the things that life is showing you... tralala..
The thing is, i guess, i rely too much on important people for my self-worth. Which i know shouldn't be that way-- for what if they don't care at all? Then i just jump off a building? Cut short the many possibilities i could have been just because important people don't give an ass? Yeah maybe sometimes but that is the dramatic masochist in me. And right now, i'm being like that. I am emo right now minus the kohl eye liner and those bands. What a pussy. I'm hitting my 30's and my issues are so ten years ago. I wallow in self doubt while others right now wallow in muck, grime and rat's piss. Who cares about my doubt, we want shelter and dry land!! Now that's the other side of me--- social keme and Fraulein Maria side.
I think i just contradicted myself. I guess, I am my own shrink.
I just wish this heavy feeling was because of milk. I miss breastfeeding.
Other than that then it's emo mudrah on a whipping typhoon night.
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