34

I turned a year older last month. 34. An even number but it feels odd in this crisis-riddled life of a thirty something. The age seems non existent and not as groundbreaking when you're turning over 30 years old. I guess it depends on who, what, where and the whys. So let me answer it.

The Who. I'm still me with the bad skin and stretch marks. Recently, I discovered new stretchmarks after I went thru bikini sugaring because I had to kill some time, it turned out I got myself killed as I lay splat and half-naked down there. Oh God, ang sakit pala niya. And may stretchmarks ako somewhere there that i never saw before because i don't really get to stare at my pechay on a daily basis.  I don't know how to feel about it but it's easy to pass it off and focus on other things like my dry cuticles that I chew on when stress and anxiety hits me.


The What. What happened? What's happening? What's about to happen? These questions are quite difficult for me to answer because I have been stagnant and i admit, uninspired. I long for days when i don't want to do anything but play plants versus zombies. Come to think of it, I've become a plant and a zombie at some point...tsss.  Some things and relationships are keeping me at a standstill but I blame myself for being dragged onto that energy. It should not be that way.

The Where. I am in a comfortable place and it's not bad. But it's too comfortable that it has kept me in a freezer where my passions are almost frigid. I think I trapped myself here and threw away the key because it's logical...because it is what it is and it is easy. Sigh.
Sometimes, i daydream of Dumaguete and Siargao, making drinks and halo halo for some people i don't know. As i think of the where-ness of everything, i thought of Cheryl Strayed's line in the film Wild-- I'm a free spirit who never had the balls to be free. But someday I will grow myself some balls. Though i hate somedays but some day it is.

The Why. Because of the two best persons that God gave me, my children. Yes, they're good enough excuses for the shits but slowly it will come around. It will be better and hopefully, they will understand everything.